Depression – Haiku May 15, 2012

I don’t want to die

It’s, just, I don’t want to live

I have nothing left

Despair (Photo credit: fakelvis)

Haiku for Eska May 11, 2012

Jazz singer Eska Mtungwazi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On Monday I went to see the fabulous Eska Mtungwazi perform her latest work English Skies at the South Bank.  I went to school with her and even then she was a musical force, able to play any instrument she picked up without a single lesson. When I discovered a few years ago that she was writing and performing her own music ( we had written a  few  songs together at  school ) I was ecstatic to find that this amazing gift was being shared with the world.  On Monday I also felt a little inspired so here is my Haiku for the lovely Eska…

‘English Skies’ Songstress
your music and lyrics join
to lift my soul high

 

 

 

Related articles

• Eska Mtungwazi – Old Interview (allaboutsoulmusic.wordpress.com)

A New Day Draws to a Close March 6, 2012

1. Take medicine – check
2. Have something to eat with second hot drink of the day – check
3. Get bathed and dressed – check
4. First paid job of the day – check
5. Second job cancelled so go to town.  Pay in cheques.  Go to book shop - check
6. Third paid job - check
7. Fourth paid job - check
8. Fifth paid job - check
9. Home for car windscreen replaced - check
10. Possible 6th job?  Confirm this - check
11. Make dinner – check
12. Tidy up - check
13. Visit Father in Law - check
14. Make jewellery – have designed earrings I want to make
15. Husband home?
16. Write some poetry – check
17. Go to BED

A New Day Begins

  I rose from my bed (ok clearly not my bed, my sofa) this morning feeling quite positive.  By the end of each day I am so tired that it’s all I can do to drag myself to bed and as you can see from the picture, last night it didn’t happen.  For the last couple of days I’ve been doing some ‘proper’ exercise on top of the dog walking I do for a living and the fortnightly riding lessons and I am feeling it. So having woken up feeling achy but otherwise well I am now planning my day.  I’m not sure how many of you do this. I guess for most people it’s a simple matter of getting up, going to work, coming home, then doing what needs doing, but I have always planned. So my plan for today:

1. Take medicine – check
2. Have something to eat with second hot drink of the day – check
3. Get bathed and dressed
4. First paid job of the day
5. Second job cancelled so go to town.  Pay in cheques.  Go to book shop
6. Third paid job
7. Fourth paid job
8. Fifth paid job
9. Home for car windscreen replaced
10. Possible 6th job?  Confirm this
11. Make dinner
12. Tidy up
13. Visit Father in Law
14. Make jewellery – have designed earrings I want to make
15. Husband home?
16. Write some poetry
17. Go to BED

How much of this from no 11 onwards actually happens is anyone’s guess but that’s the plan.  The least enjoyable part of the day is visiting my Father in Law, but that is also the task that will lead to the most amount of guilt if I don’t do it.  How apt that it comes in at No 13!

And today’s ultimate challenge?  No. 17 – To make it to bed

I’m Back (in more than one sense) March 4, 2012

After about a week’s hiatus I have returned!  I know you’ve missed me.  What happened?  Well, let me explain……

I don’t think I’ve written about being Bi-Polar. It’s terribly trendy at the moment and I hate to be the height of fashion so it’s something I tend not to talk about.  Actually I have what’s known as Bi – Polar II or Cyclothymia which means I get all of the fun of the lows without the highs, and my ‘normal’ is what the average person on the street would register as unhappy.  Even on meds the best I get is ‘Meh!’

Anyway, I hit the worst low I’ve had for a long time last week.  By last Monday I was calling my husband at work, asking him to come home because I was worried I was going to do something to myself.  By Wednesday I was self harming and by Friday it was like it had never happened.  One of the big issues of cyclothymia is that the mood swings are so rapid and disabling.

So I’ve been resting for the past couple of days.  I spent yesterday making jewellery and playing with my new phone.  Today I have been exercising with my husband.  That was so much fun! despite the fact that he is training for his 3rd London Marathon he struggled as much as me with the DVD we were following.  Hooray!  I felt better about myself because of it.

Then we went to the shops together, as a couple.  We had some quality time which was really nice.

So here I am again.  Tomorrow I can start writing about interesting things again.

For once I am looking forward to tomorrow!

What is a Shrove? February 21, 2012

It’s a Shrove Tuesday! Also known as Pancake Day.  Also known as ( and I didn’t make the connection until today) Mardi Gras.

So I guess everyone knows that it’s the start of Lent but what I was wondering today was ‘What does Shrove mean?’  Really – Do you know?  If you do I’m very impressed.  When I start wondering something like that I have to find out.

Well, the best I can come up with is this description: A shrove is a confession and the word still lives today in the word shrift (to give someone short shrift)

So today is Confessional Tuesday. A chance to purge yourself of your sins before entering the period of Lent.

Don’t you feel better for knowing that?

I’m a spiritual person but not a religious person. However in the spirit of the occaision here is my confession.

• I’m naturally greedy especially around chocolate ( gimme NOW!)
• I have aggressive feelings towards people who only want things from me (which today has been everyone grrrrr)
• I am jealous of people who are more financially secure than me (which is almost everybody)

Now, with a clear conscience I’m off to enjoy my pancakes.

A lovely day out February 14, 2012

It’s half term, so I wanted to spend at least one day this week with the kids.  Better still, my husband was able to get the day off too so we had an entire day together as a family.  That’s a rare treat.

Last year I had managed to get some vouchers giving us free entry into the Tower of London.  Having spent many years living on the edges of and working in London there are a lot of the sights and landmarks we haven’t seen.  Husband and I have both been (separately) to the Tower so thought it would be an interesting place to go as a family.

Luckily husband works around the corner and we were able to park there and finish our journey on foot.  I say luckily because the train fare would have been in the region of £70 return.

It was surprisingly busy for a February morning but there was lots to see and we all enjoyed it.  There are still bits there we haven’t seen, but as I say it was busy and very chilly too.  I don’t mind as it’s reason to go back

We had a late lunch in The Breakfast Club in Spitalfields.  It’s my new favourite place.  The decor is ‘Nouveau Retro’ and shabby chic.  The food, unsurprisingly, is all day breakfasts and burgers and was a smash hit with my children.  The background music was a fantastic blend of 60′s soul, and 80′s pop with a few other classics thrown in for good measure.  The clientele was a fabulous mix of city suits and arty types.  I could have happily moved in there!

So photos:  A few from the Tower, which my Daughter still insists is NOT a tower, and a few from The Breakfast Club.  The picture at the top of the post is the signage above the restaurant and, do you know what?  Today was a good day.

The good moments…. February 9, 2012

By the end of yesterday I was feeling exhausted and down so I’m glad that I took a few pictures to remind me of some of the good points.

Yesterday was kind of a long day for me.  I started work at 9.30 (my job is technically part time but I’m self employed) and went through to 4.15, then dashed into town to meet my kids at the opticians.  I dropped them at home, had a quick tidy round and as husband got in I went to meet a new client.  From there it was time to visit my F i L (The Dementia Diary), then the supermarket to buy something for dinner, and finally at 9.30 I was home.

Nature makes me smile February 7, 2012

I have had a very busy couple of days.  Walking dogs is lovely especially if you’re being paid for it, but dashing from house to house and fitting 9 hours worth of walks into 6 hours is tiring.

However Mother Nature had a couple of wonderful surprises in store for me today.

My first walk was through a lovely little wood.  The floor was covered with snow and the morning light was glowing pink as it hit the trees side on.  It was magical and glittery.  Sadly I didn’t have my camera with me

A little way into the trees I could hear a woodpecker.  I couldn’t see it but I very clearly heard it.  It was disappointing to have missed it but I was so happy to have heard that ‘Woody Woodpecker’ noise hammering on the tree.

I walked a few more dogs in different parts of the town, in the beautiful sunshine and crisp snow, and was strolling between jobs when I spotted a flash of red and green.

I realised immediately what it was. A Green Woodpecker!  Damn – still no camera!

I got to see such wonderful scenery and a woodpecker (!) today.  Having been caught up in the stress of working I was forgetting to enjoy the fact that I have my dream job (although it could pay more ;op  )  I just wish I had my camera

(but as I didn’t here’s a couple of pics from yesterday)

Snow with some relish February 5, 2012

I’ve been on a bit of a downer for the last few days.  Not surprising when you consider that I’ve travelled hundreds of miles (500 plus?), been to a family funeral, been cooped up with F i L, it’s freezing cold and there’s been some really dumb things done in the name of my business (and not by me).

Today I’ve woken up with a migraine, which 10 hours later I still have, but overall I am feeling more positive.  Customers I thought may have lost have called up so it looks like I’ll be having a busy week. That has cheered me up.

But what has really made me feel better is the snow.

It’s crisp, so white, so clean and perfect, especially first thing in the morning and that clean perfection gives us the perfect clean slate.  A new start.

My dog hasn’t seen snow before.  He was so excited by it, trying to eat it, playing in it.  He stayed out in it for ages, until he was so cold and covered in ice he was shaking from head to toe. He was relishing it and that’s something I need to learn to do – relish the moment.