I don’t want to die
It’s, just, I don’t want to live
I have nothing left
Despair (Photo credit: fakelvis)
Blackness May 13, 2012
Blackness.
It surrounds me.
A black fog that engulfs me,
Seeps into my lungs and chokes me.
Blackness.
It is all I see.
The joy of life drained away
until all that is left is shades of grey.
Blackness.
Fills my ears like tar.
Smothers the sounds
I hear my heartbeat like a drum, counting down to my release.
Blackness.
Takes away my voice.
Changes my vocabulary.
Twists my meaning.
Blackness.
It’s all I have
It’s all I know
and blindfolded by blackness I can’t find my way out.
A New Day Begins March 6, 2012
I rose from my bed (ok clearly not my bed, my sofa) this morning feeling quite positive. By the end of each day I am so tired that it’s all I can do to drag myself to bed and as you can see from the picture, last night it didn’t happen. For the last couple of days I’ve been doing some ‘proper’ exercise on top of the dog walking I do for a living and the fortnightly riding lessons and I am feeling it. So having woken up feeling achy but otherwise well I am now planning my day. I’m not sure how many of you do this. I guess for most people it’s a simple matter of getting up, going to work, coming home, then doing what needs doing, but I have always planned. So my plan for today:
- Take medicine – check
- Have something to eat with second hot drink of the day – check
- Get bathed and dressed
- First paid job of the day
- Second job cancelled so go to town. Pay in cheques. Go to book shop
- Third paid job
- Fourth paid job
- Fifth paid job
- Home for car windscreen replaced
- Possible 6th job? Confirm this
- Make dinner
- Tidy up
- Visit Father in Law
- Make jewellery – have designed earrings I want to make
- Husband home?
- Write some poetry
- Go to BED
How much of this from no 11 onwards actually happens is anyone’s guess but that’s the plan. The least enjoyable part of the day is visiting my Father in Law, but that is also the task that will lead to the most amount of guilt if I don’t do it. How apt that it comes in at No 13!
And today’s ultimate challenge? No. 17 – To make it to bed
Seaside (haiku) February 23, 2012
The clouds of grey float
Above foam topped ocean waves.
I cry salty tears.
Snow with some relish February 5, 2012
I’ve been on a bit of a downer for the last few days. Not surprising when you consider that I’ve travelled hundreds of miles (500 plus?), been to a family funeral, been cooped up with F i L, it’s freezing cold and there’s been some really dumb things done in the name of my business (and not by me).
Today I’ve woken up with a migraine, which 10 hours later I still have, but overall I am feeling more positive. Customers I thought may have lost have called up so it looks like I’ll be having a busy week. That has cheered me up.
But what has really made me feel better is the snow.
It’s crisp, so white, so clean and perfect, especially first thing in the morning and that clean perfection gives us the perfect clean slate. A new start.
My dog hasn’t seen snow before. He was so excited by it, trying to eat it, playing 
in it. He stayed out in it for ages, until he was so cold and covered in ice he was shaking from head to toe. He was relishing it and that’s something I need to learn to do – relish the moment.
Here’s a thought… February 1, 2012
Here’s a thought……
If someone is stressed or depressed and you keep emailing them, calling them, messaging them saying
“What’s wrong?”
“Are you OK?”
“What have I done?”
YOU ARE NOT HELPING THEM!
Why?
Because what you are saying to them is really….
I have an emotional need to know what is happening
It’s not really about the depressed person is it?
You’re putting the added burden of being responsible for YOUR emotional welfare on a person who is already struggling with their own.
In future try this….
“You’re having a difficult time. I’m here whenever and however you need me”
aaaah! That’s better
